The desert

I'm sitting on the beginnings of the climb up a small foothill. I was out of breath within seconds of starting the ascend. I'm don't know if my lack of oxygen is due to altitude difference or how out of shape I am...I suspect it is mostly the latter. It is beautiful weather-probably in the 60s but the sun is harsh. I'm sitting on the side of the foothill that is all dead weeds and even a cactus. Not so pretty. I LOVE that I'm here-HATE that I can't go further up to get to the pretty side. I guess I could push myself, just don't feel like it.

I've finished harry potter and the healing path. I'm staring at a book on secondary PTSD, but can't bring myself to read it. I've sucessfully intellectualized most of my readings thus far. I'm not sure how to make it penetrate my hard heart. I don't want to- it hurts.
I guess it is fitting that I'm here o the ugly side. Allender talked about God in Hosea taking his beloved to the desert to show her his great love and mercy and so she would know that it wasn't her own will or wisdom that produces healing. I'm in the desert and it is hot. Ummffhhh